Venus Retrograde in Aries and Donald Trump’s Penis (NSFW, Duh)

Excuse me, just putting on my mental hazmat suit. There we go, now it’s on. Just letting you know I will not be normalizing Donald Trump now or ever. However to understand his chart, we will have to understand him as a person. And to understand Trump as a person means understanding extremely normal things about him. Like his penis.

And if you think I’m being unnecessarily crude or insufficiently deferential to power, I just want to point out he brought up his penis as an actual topic at an actual presidential debate, so I think the ship of propriety has pretty much sailed at this point. Go back to your safe space, Trumpsters. And contrary to Donald Trump’s claims, it is likely extremely normal. It just seems huge to him since he holds it in one of his very tiny hands.

Venus retrogrades occur in the same place every 8 years, 2 degrees removed. There is also a corresponding Venus superior conjunction in the same sign every 4 years before and after a Venus retrograde. For whatever reason, Donald Trump seems to have a history with retrogrades and superior conjunctions of Venus in Aries in his relationships.

1977 Venus Retrograde in Aries: Marriage to Ivana Trump

Dick to enlarge. I mean click to enlarge.
Inner wheel: Donald Trump, Outer wheel: Marriage to Ivana

Before he met Ivana in 1976, Trump’s penis was like a grizzled janitor’s ol’ trusty toilet plunger – been in all kinds of shit. And pee. Actually that was true afterward as well, I suppose now it’s more like a dehydrated hot dog preserved from the 50’s but in any case, once he met Ivana, he uncharacteristically decided to settle down. On April 7th 1977, Ivana Zelníčková took Donald Trump’s tiny hand in marriage. This union was brought together while Venus was at 15 Aries, in an inferior conjunction with the Sun at 17 Aries, opposite his natal Jupiter at 17 Libra. Yes, she was a busty leggy blonde, but she wasn’t a trophy wife. He relied on her business skills to manage several of his properties. For a long time, they were a real team, hand-in-tiny hand. Marrying her was probably one of the best things that had ever happened to him, so naturally he’d fuck it up beyond all comprehension soon enough.

1985 Venus Retrograde in Aries: Met Marla Maples

Yeah, this was about when he started fucking it all up. There wasn’t a widely reported incident in his marriage during the Venus retrograde proper, but we can infer what the time period meant for him in context. Consider the following page of this Trump biography:

“…by the mid-80’s…the Trump marriage [was] on shaky ground.” It seems in 1985, the Venus synodic return of their marriage signified that Trump was ready to leave the marriage, at least in his blackened shriveled Grinch heart. He says he was bored. What’s that saying…the devil makes work for tiny hands. After all, it was just a few months after the retrograde that Trump met the woman he would ultimately leave Ivana for, Marla Maples.

It’s difficult to tell exactly when he met Maples.  Most reports say that they met at a charity tennis tournament in Atlantic City in 1985. There was a “Battle of the Sexes” charity tennis event in Atlantic City sponsored by Trump’s businesses on August 23rd 1985 (the day of Trump’s Venus return that year). It’s the most likely candidate but it’s possible there could have been others earlier that year. Ivana Trump also had difficulty nailing down exactly when he first met Marla. In any case, the Venus retrograde of 1985 seemed to signify the beginning of the end for his marriage with Ivana.

1993 Venus Retrograde in Aries: Oopsies with Marla Maples

Trump initially proposed to Marla Maples on July 2nd 1991 but had an on-again off-again engagement, primarily due to the fact that Donald Trump’s penis was having many splendid adventures courtesy of Donald Trump’s wallet. According to Tiffany Trump’s birth date, the earliest she could have been conceived was January 16th-24th 1993. January 30th-February 7th 1993 is the earliest Marla could have known she was pregnant. The earliest newspaper reports that she was pregnant come from late March 1993.

He finally confirmed the reports that she was pregnant on April 6th 1993 by creepily posing for the paparazzi with his tiny hands on her belly, a picture of which inexplicably costs $545.00 to put on this post, but is free for you to Google. I wouldn’t suggest searching “Trump putting his hands on women” as you’ll likely get too many search results and regrets back.

In other words, the Venus retrograde in Aries heralded the unexpected pregnancy which forced his tiny hand into finally marrying Marla, which he did on December 21st 1993. Don’t ever make me think that in-depth about one of Donald Trump’s impregnating emissions ever again. You know I love you now.

2001 Venus Retrograde in Aries: Melania Knauss Gets Green Card

Bear with me on this. There have been some questions about Melania’s immigration timeline due to a comment made by a Trump Organization immigration laywer Michael Wildes:

Ms. Trump received citizenship in 2006 and prior to that she had a green card based on marriage.

Here is the problem:

  • September 1998, Trump meets Melania, they start dating
  • March 19th 2001, Melania gets her green card
  • January 22nd 2005, Melania marries Trump (less than 2 months before a Sun-Venus superior conjunction in Aries)

So either Melania got secretly married while she was dating Trump, or the lawyer misspoke. Barring the production of new evidence, it is unlikely she committed marriage fraud because it takes nearly 2 years after marriage to receive a green card, which means the marriage would have happened in late 1998/early 1999. Immigration authorities tend to be pretty serious about preventing marriage fraud, and Melania’s public status as Donald Trump’s girlfriend would have raised a few red flags.

The lawyer apparently misspoke because he later corrected his statement with a letter in which he said she received her green card by meeting the “extraordinary ability” designation. Melania claims she applied for her green card sometime in 2000, which makes a bit more sense with the typical timeline for an EB-1 application, 6 months to a year.

On the other tiny hand, this introduces another problem, which is that there is basically no way Melania in 2001 was able to meet the “extraordinary ability” qualifications. It’s nicknamed the ‘Einstein visa’, as it’s only supposed to be granted to people in the top 5% of their field. We’re talking Nobel Prize winners, Oscar winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, etc. Nothing against Melania, but this seems like it would have been a high bar to clear. Oh if only she was blowing someone with no scruples and a lot of cash to throw around. Wait a sec. She was blowing someone with no scruples and a lot of cash to throw around!

Now, try to get the image of Trump’s pale warty penis and hairy fupa mashing into Melania’s perpetually scowling face. You can’t.

What I think is most likely is Trump wanted to help his girlfriend get citizenship, but he also didn’t want to get into another marriage, at least at that point. So maybe he had a tiny hand in pulling some strings or paying the people off who would be making the decision about “extraordinary ability” applications. All this from the guy who says we need to make immigration laws tougher, but I digress. In any case, once Melania got her green card allowing her to stay in the United States permanently, it opened the possibility of them spending their lives together in the United States.

What makes me think Trump was involved? The date Melania got her green card just happened to be on March 19th 2001, when Venus was retrograde at 15 Aries, the same degree Venus was retrograde at when Trump married Ivana. Trump hasn’t talked about it publicly obviously, but given the pattern, I think there would be an interesting story here.

2009 Venus Retrograde in Aries: Brande Roderick

You can just tell that face at 0:18-20 is the face of a woman who just loves an oral sex joke at her expense by a creepy d-bag in an ostensibly “professional” environment. It wasn’t even a joke. It was literally just Trump brainfarting his sexual fantasy for anyone to hear and take part in, which Piers Morgan, another cretinous abject fucker, gleefully indulges with a very stupid chuckle.

In any case, that woman is Playboy model Brande Roderick who was a contestant on the 8th season of the Apprentice, which ran during the Venus retrograde in Aries in 2009. I think there is more than meets the eye here. In 2016, reports emerged from former Apprentice crew members which alleged that Trump was obsessed with Roderick during filming. Allegedly, he was constantly talking about her beauty, her body, and wanting to have sex with her, and even proposed marriage to her multiple times, despite already being married to Melania!

And sure, Trump has been rumored to have been lewd with many women, but the weird thing with Brande Roderick is that she happened to be on the Apprentice again a few years later. 4 years later to be precise, which means the show aired at the next Sun-Venus superior conjunction in Aries in 2013, and his inappropriate behavior toward her continued. Roderick strongly denied the allegations were true and shrugged off Trump’s innuendo from the Apprentice episode, but honestly…it’s just not hard to imagine there isn’t some truth to it. This is the same guy who called bragging about sexual assault in 2005 “locker room” talk. Venus gives you away.

March 4th-April 14th 2017 Venus Retrograde in Aries-Pisces: Probably Not Good For His Marriage to Melania

I’m just saying. There’s a pattern of sorts here. And if we’re calling it like we’re seeing it, it’s already not looking that good for his marriage. Melania was okay with having Trump as a sugar daddy. And she was obviously willing to tolerate his having other sexual partners.  And you know what, I respect her hustle and their freedom to have whatever relationship they mutually agree to, but being First Lady is so obviously not what she signed up for. By staying in Trump Tower with their young son Barron instead of moving into the White House, she seems to be trying to keep her distance and options open, her son’s schooling notwithstanding. Plus, his daughter Ivanka seems to be stepping into the more typical First Lady role which is…well…on top of all the totally-not-okay tiny handsy father-daughter pictures from her childhood and his creepy comments about finding her attractive and wanting to date her…y’know…pretty freaking weird.

But the bigger thing that seems to tie these Venus retrogrades together for Trump is that he is unmoored from his typical experience and susceptible to temptations with consequences. His marriage to Ivana was the end of his bachelor lifestyle (for a time), it was outside of his regular experience. The Venus return of his marriage with Ivana created an opening which Marla happened to enter. The Venus return of his relationship with Marla was an unplanned pregnancy, which he otherwise would have tried to avoid. The next Venus cycle saw him getting entangled with Melania, and the next Venus cycle he was trying to marry someone else! It’s also possible that with this upcoming Venus retrograde in Aries, with Melania not being in the picture so much, Trump will get bored and be susceptible to more temptations with consequences.

I don’t know how to end an article about Donald Trump’s penis, so I will close with a poem about it getting injured. It is a fictional-yet-not-implausible scenario where Donald Trump makes an indecent proposition to a woman who then kicks him in the nuts so hard he craps his pants and lies about it.

Trump’s plump lumps jumped while crumping, harrumphing to no frump, “Strumpet, I wanna bump your rump with my jumbo Trump”. She jumped him, whoomped his humping lumps with her clunky pumps triumphant, “I don’t need your limp Flump trumpet, I bet you can’t even pump it.” Trumpy crumpled in a slumpy tumble. Tummy rumbling, he dumped a clump of crumpet dumpling, bum pumping sumpin like a trumpet humping. He clumb, fumbling, bumbling. Tommy stumped him, “Was that humbling?” “Dumbo, that was just the jumbo gump shrimp gumbo.”

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2 Comments

  1. This is absolutely brilliant! As for an explanation of why Venus affects T-rex (over-large dinosaur, tiny hands) I suspect that any transit of Aries is going to have to oppose his natal Neptune first, and then it transits in opposition to his natal Chiron/Jupiter conjunction (in the 2nd). So that once Venus has begun its transit through his 8th house, he is probably in a spin brought about by the transit of Venus opposing Neptune—what you referred to as being unmoored, due to deeply buried psychic/emotional crap from his childhood, no doubt—and then he gets Aries Venus opposing that Chiron/Jupiter, so by this time, he’s actually quite wounded, deluded, and in pain, and then of course he find a woman who can probably “fix” all that. I’ve looked at two of his relationships just recently; the marriage with Melania and the weird trailer-trash fantasy with Kellyann(e?) Conway (appropriate name for her job) and in both cases, the tightest synastry is to his Venus/Saturn conjunction in Cancer. Basically, my theory is that he is a wounded child, or baby, take your pick, and then he finds women who coddle him until they discover the monster he really is (since Venus/Saturn in Cancer is uniquely capable of behaving like a Grinch or a complete bastard when it feels “unloved.” Which, given the cheerfulness and erudition of the Donald, I can imagine happening quite quickly. Then he has to replace the Ugly Stepwitch Mother he found with a new one who doesn’t know him very well. The next one, as you surmise, could very well be a lovely little Easter scandal in the White House. Anyway, great work, very interesting, I will follow you from now on.

  2. Bless you for this article.
    And helping me deal with a god-awful Uranus transit to natal ascendent, squaring 4th house natal Uranus in cancer conj mercury. (The fuck you article.) Honestly, I never realized how difficult that planet could be!! You’re an eloquent and courageous genius that helped my heart for a brief respite! Thanks.

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